Coping Mechanisms

As promised we take a break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this post I put together in 1998 to describe what Lisa and I were doing to cope with this life drama we were thrust into.  I don't know if this post has the answers to every question about coping...but this is what we were doing and as it turns out, we made it through.

When you find yourself in a helpless situation, such as the premature birth of a baby, mom and dad are reduced to nothing more than spectators.  As every agonizing minute tics by, the thought of counting three months worth of minutes seems endless.  An impossible task.  How will we stay sane?  How will we make it the next three months when all we want to do is bring home a fat, healthy baby girl.  Here is how Lisa and I made it through the first weeks.

1.  Milestones

Set milestones that are within the realm of reality.  We were setting these early and wouldn’t look beyond them.  Will Summer make it through the first 48 hours?, then 72 hours?  Going into her third night when we thought we had the 72 hour milestone licked the Doc informed us that she didn’t believe Summer would make it through the night.  Can’t set a milestone now.  This time we were only waiting for the results of the next blood test.  One by one though, you somehow reach the milestones.  

Other milestones that helped us occurred naturally.  The four neonatologists  each work a 24 hour shift. Every three days the rotate back through.  Three day milestones occurred naturally and were a big help. Regular lab tests were naturally occurring milestones that helped.  The Docs and Nurses would help in setting milestones by letting us know what was right around the corner and what we could hope for next.  The ductus, the respirator, the steroid treatment, the feedings, the IV tube.  One by one we saw each of them fall. Now we have a new set.  The CPAP tube, nursing, and the weeking incubator change out when we get to hold Summer for five minutes.

Thirty days have gone by.  Only sixty to go now.  For the first time we are seeing light at the end of the tunnel and that it might be possible to get through this without going crazy.  God doesn’t give people problems that are so hard they can’t handle them - without giving you the tools to help you through.  The next sections describe some of the tools God has given us.

2.  Prayer

Lisa and I pray all the time now.  We pray together - we pray alone.  We pray every hour of the day and when we are awake at night.  We pray in the shower, in the car, when we are walking down the street.  I can’t think of a better thing to do.  I am praying right now.

It was our belief in prayer that prompted me to send out a prayer chain over the internet to all of my friends and family.  I can’t count the number of churches, family, friends, and strangers that are now praying for Summer.  The strength that knowing this many people are praying for Summer gives to us is incredible.

3. Videos and Pictures

Lisa’s birthday was 10 February, three days after Summer’s birth.  On my way to buy Lisa a Tennis Bracelet I drove past a “Best Buy” (www.bestbuy.com).  Instead of purchasing the tennis bracelet I went into Best Buy and purchased a CamCorder.  I know what your thinking.  Summer’s  first words will be, “You paid too much for that CamCorder Daddy”.  But don’t worry,  The videos I have been shooting, almost, 7 hours now, are priceless - and I used MasterCard.  The video did raise my stress level however when I thought I recording over some previous shots.  I wasn’t so my blood pressure returned to normal. Showing friends and family the video is worth 10,0000 words.

We also have been shooting a Polaroid of Summer almost every day.  These are some of the pictures scanned into this web site.

These things help us because we feel like we really have a family.  We can carry pictures we can show friends and family,  we can brag about our little girl.  We are documenting her life and living it with her.  In the beginning I couldn’t help the feeling that I was trying to capture Summer’s life in the event it was cut short.  Now that prognosis is better, and we can breath more, those feelings have subsided.  We have done a good job documenting our child’s life thus far.  No one can take these memories from us now.  Knowing this helps.

4.  Friends, Family, and Strangers

What can we say?  Without the outpouring of support from so many people I don’t know what we would have done.

Some of our friends prayed for us.  Some of our friends cried for us.  Some of our friends fixed us dinner. Some of our friends talked to us, sent us flowers, wrote to us, called us, or e-mailed us.  Some of our friends talked to strangers who prayed for us.

They offered us stories that made us cry.  They offered us words of wisdom that made us strong.  They gave us books and a camera to track Summer’s progress.  They let us know they were behind us.

When this all occurred we had a choice.  Keep everything hush, hush until a more positive time, or let the cat out of the bag.  We chose to let the cat out of the bag.  It was the right decision.